NO MATTER WHAT

It has been a while since I posted something in this blog. I may have been too busy. I may have been too tired. But, the truth is I lost the reason for writing. I can no longer find the mood for poetry. Something is missing. I am no longer sad.

For the past years, I have been in a war of feelings. I fell in love, got broken, woke up, met strangers, fell in love again, and got broken again. I have been in that cycle for too long that I forgot how it really feels like to be genuinely happy. And no, I'm not married nor dating. I'm still single. And though I know that it is a common alibi of most single people, but still, yes, I am happy.

This year, I found friends who taught me that one can be happy even without a partner you have to text all day, have dates on weekends, have someone to say that he loves you. Though, I would be a lot happier if I have that kind of someone, but these people I am with gave me a reason to be contented and to wait.

Love is not something you have to rush into. Love is not something you just want to try and taste. Love is not a game. Love is serious. Love takes a lot of time of thinking. Love is something we have to be patient with.

I was 18 when I was diagnosed with scoliosis. It is not a disease. It is when your spine wants to bitch out and not follow the correct position of your body so it decided to be unique and go with the letter "s" figure instead. Mine is already at its worst. Physical therapy did not help and the only solution for it to straighten is to undergo surgery, which ofcourse I refused to do so for all the wrong things that may happen to me if the doctor accidentally hits a wrong bone. Luckily, I managed myself to be an expert of illusion. I use all my efforts to stand straight even if it hurt all my muscles. Anyways, since I have a spoiled spine, my doctor told me that I need to give birth at the age of 25 or else pregnancy will be of hell for me. My bones are too weak to carry heavy things. So if I miss out on that deadline and still be pregnant, my hopes on being alive are on low. Not that I'm really going to die, it's just that there is a great chance that my spine will snap and I may lose some senses or, worst, my memory.

And now, I'm 24. Single. Not dating. Not pregnant. I should be worried, right? Like, how in the world would I find a guy who is willing to marry me and give me a child in less than a year of knowing each other? That is freaking impossible. I know couples who have been in a 10 year relationship and still break up. So how will this go for me, then?

As I've said, I am happy. I am worried, of course. Who wouldn't be? But there is something that I put a tight hold on to for me not to worry that much and not lose hope. FAITH. I have faith that God has plans for me. Faith, that God is leading me to the path He wants me to take. Faith, that He will never ever leave my side. Faith.

I have to be honest, keeping this faith is hard. Temptations are always there right next to me. I can always flirt, get drunk, and go wild. It would be so easy for me to have a baby. But I still choose to stay strong with this faith. Not because I am saving face, not because it fits my personality, not because I am proud. It is because it is the right thing to do. The right things are always the hardest. But the joy that we would feel after doing it is unexplainable, uncomparable.

I may not know if God will grant me marriage. I may not know if He would grant us kids. But no matter what, I know that His plans for me will always be the best and I will stick up with it. NO MATTER WHAT.